Lifeline

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5 NKJV

Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart

And do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

Proverbs 3:5 AMP

Trust (982) Be confident, bold, secure, safe, in Jehovah (3068) with all your heart (3820) inner man, mind, will, understanding, determination, passions, and lean (8172) trust in, not (408) on nothing of your own understanding (998)

discernment. Strong’s Lexicon

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;

Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

Psalm 34:8 NKJV

Proverbs 3:5 proved to be a lifeline in my darkest season.

The year was 2002.

I prayed earnestly.

Spoke words of faith.

Proclaimed miracles.

Petitioned wholeheartedly.

Declared. Decreed.

Begged.

Believed.

Hoped.

Had faith.

Still, she died.

How can it be, Lord?

Why did my baby die?

We were told at the sixth month mark of my pregnancy that death was imminent for the life inside me; mortal words an expectant parent never wants to hear. My mind spun vehemently with emotion. Dazed. Shattered. I held on to hope - hope in the miraculous power of our Lord Jesus Christ. Absolutely! I believed faith would break forth in healing, but death overshadowed hope. My baby died.

How can it be, Lord? I followed Your word. I believed. I prayed. I professed. I petitioned with the fervency of a mother bear protecting her cub; still my baby died. I questioned if I had done something wrong. Others questioned as well. Yes, there were those who embraced me with healing arms; yet, there were those who judged - spewing accusations of too little faith. How can people be so callous at such a tender time? An emotional battle ensued. Not only did I have to work through the complexity of our daughter’s death, but also contend for my faith in Christ. Heart-wrenching agony ushered in a battle field riddled with emotional land mines. Excruciating grief, a mind numbing torment, inundated my every moment. My lips said, “Yes!” to faith in Jesus; yet, my heart needed time.

Entangled with mourning was happiness for my friend - a dear, forever friend - who was with child and scheduled to deliver two weeks before my due date. Happily, her baby lived and has been blessed with the fullness of life.

Secretly, I wrestled with the thought of how she got a baby, and I got a box.

In the moments of secrecy a struggle ensued - almost cartoonish - an angel vs. a devil positioned on opposing shoulders - as I wrestled for something to deaden the pain. The thought popped into my head: a glass of wine, that will do it. Followed by another thought: No, don’t do it! One glass will lead to two…two to three…three to the entire bottle. Over and over again, these thoughts played in my mind. Temptation tried to intoxicate me, but grace won out. The desire for drunkenness lifted.

Still the days were laden with the torment of “Why?” Why did my baby die and her baby live? Why wasn’t our daughter healed or raised from the dead? Why didn’t my prayers work? Why? Why? Why?

It was from the place of “Why?” the Lord rescued me, extending a lifeline to my soul. He whispered to my heart, “The place of ‘Why?’ is like quicksand, as you wrestle with the thought, it responds by pulling you down into mental anguish. To wrestle with ‘Why?’ is to lean on your own understanding. Trust Me. Lean not on your own understanding.” It was at that moment, I reached up and grabbed hold of the lifeline of God’s truth. I chose to: Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Hallelujah!

I will never know on this side of heaven the answer to my “Why?” However, I have come to the realization that to trust in the Lord - even with our most difficult ”Why?” - will bring peace to a tormented soul.

Prayer

Father,

I acknowledge I frequent the place of “Why?” As these situations play over and over again in my mind, I find myself sinking in the quicksand of torment. Rescue me! Alleviate the pain of trauma. I reach for the lifeline of Your truth for Your word is my hope. Though so much has happened that I don’t understand, I choose to trust in You, and no longer lean on my own understanding. I surrender my “Why?” to You this day. Bring rest to my soul, as Your peace fills the black hole of “Why?”

With full confidence, I declare, that no matter what the circumstances, the Lord is good!

Blessed am I as I trust in Him!

Amen